Diego...

I meant to post this on April 5th, on Diego's birthday, but it's taken a while to collect all my thoughts, or perhaps more like ramble about my thoughts and emotions after reading over my old journal of my first time to Honduras...I could write a whole book on Diego but for now here is a bit of our story. It's my way of loving Diego today, though I can't see him or speak with him....

17 years ago on April 5th, a very special little boy was born in Honduras. His name is Diego. Because of some sad things that happened after he was born that I want to keep private for his sake, he and his siblings came under the care of the Catholic Orphanage Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos (Our Little Brothers and Sisters) when he was 4 years old.

7 years later God would intersect my life with this little boy's in a way that left me forever changed. 

Over the spring break of my senior year of high school, I went on a service trip to Honduras with my AP Biology teacher who had just spent a sabbatical year teaching at NPH. When I first heard about this trip, I felt this overwhelming burden to go. I didn't know how I would pay for it, but I felt this need to go. I was determined that even if it took my birthday and Christmas money for the next however many years to pay for it, I would find a way to go. And God provided. So I went. 

5 days. That was all. 5 life changing days at Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos. 

We were each assigned a house of kids for the 5 days we were there. I was assigned to San Pablo, a house for boys around 10 and 11 years old. At first I had wanted to be with girls, but God had a different plan and an incredible blessing for me in San Pablo. 

It was Holy Week so all the kids had the week off. We spent part of each day doing work projects and spent the rest of the time playing and eating with the kids. It didn't take long for the little boys in San Pablo to completely capture my heart. One little boy, captured it more than any of the others and that was Diego. He was full of energy, laughter, affection and smiles. Oh that smile. It melted my heart. As we spent time together playing, singing, eating, going to activities together God formed a sweet bond between us. As I read through my old journal, from almost exactly 6 years ago tears still coming flooding to my eyes. God had ripped open my heart in a beautiful, excruciating, completely out of my hands way. The emotions were so real and so raw. I remember them still as clearly as if it were yesterday. 

I was overwhelmed by the poverty, by the brokenness, by the desperate need for love and affection, by growing up without parents. My heart broke for these children. My heart broke for Diego.

Saying goodbye to Diego at the end of that week, was one of the most painful things I have ever done. Even to this day, I don't know if I have ever wept such a heart-severing tears. 

I remember holding Diego as tears poured down our faces as we were saying goodbye. I remember telling him how much I loved him, that I would never forget him, that I would do whatever I could to come back. 

And I didn't forget him. For he forever changed my life. There was no going back. God had given me a love for him that I couldn't retract into a stone-wall protected castle around my heart. 

Would I ever see him again? I honestly didn't know. I did not have the money to go back and life circumstances and college prevented me from doing so. 

The love remained. But I could do nothing about it but trust that God cared and He had some plan and purpose in this all.

Throughout college I often thought of Diego. I would write and talk about him some, rarely ever without tears. In many ways he shaped what I studied in college, in hopes of going back to Latin America.

Years passed with no way to communicate with him. Until my Senior spring term in college when Mario, an older boy who had worked in San Pablo contacted me via Facebook. I hadn't talked with him since I visited NPH because he never had access to the internet. As we chatted via Facebook, I found out that he was going to be at NPH in about a week for Holy Week and would see Diego. He told me he would call me and connect me to Diego. It was a miracle. I couldn't believe that I was going to speak with Diego after not hearing from him for 4 years. God just blew my categories. 

On April 5th, 2012 I talked with Diego over the phone for the first time in 4 years. It was his 15th birthday. It was surreal. He said he remembered me. 

Just before this God had opened a door to go back to Honduras that coming summer for a missionary training internship, so I got to tell him that I would be able to visit him at NPH in a few months. I couldn't believe this was happening.

That summer, the leader of the internship so lovingly drove me and the other interns to visit NPH, which was a few hours away. It was so surreal driving into NPH, the memories flooding back. And the anticipation of seeing Diego. Would he really remember me? Did he still care about me? He would be a teenager now. Would I look like a total blubbering fool? Would my love for him scare him away? 

Then I saw him. Same smile. Same precious smile. But now he towered over me, he had grown into a young man. We found another boy, Erick, that had been in San Pablo, who remembered me. For a couple hours they gave me a tour of the orphanage and we talked and joked, laughed and smiled. He called me madrina, godmother (what they call their sponsors). I wasn't officially his sponsor, I hadn't had the money for that. Madrina. But nothing sounded truer of how I felt about him. He was a bit shy around me, though seemed so proud to introduce me to his friends. I only got to be with him for a couple hours, but they meant so much to me. 

I left. Again. Flashbacks of our first goodbye. He didn't cry this time or show emotion, he's a teenage boy and I'm someone he hadn't seen in years. But I know he felt loved and was glad that I had come, I could see it in his smile, in his eyes.

I cried all the way back. Later that evening staring up into the Honduran sky, I felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God's love for me. He had brought me back to see this boy who had changed my life. Because He loves me. Because He cares about my heart. Because He delights in me. Because He knows me, He knows my deepest love and deepest pain and deepest longings. And He holds them faithfully in His hands.

When I said goodbye to Diego that first time, I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. But God knew. He knew as I let my heart love this little boy. He knew as I wept saying goodbye. He looked down from heaven as I held Diego, tears running down our faces that He would bring us back together. By His grace, by His working, in His timing. Thank you Father. 

Again the future was unclear. But God again brought me back to Honduras about 8 months later to volunteer at Orphanage Emmanuel. Orphanage Emmanuel was an easy hour bus ride from NPH, where Diego was. This was again, so sweet of the Lord to allow me to be close enough to visit him. Over the course of 8 months at Emmanuel I got to visit Diego many times and reconnect with another boy Dennis who had been in San Pablo. At times it was hard. He was now a 16 year old, and what was I to him? How do I rebuild this friendship? He was always glad to see me when I came, I loved his big embrace and smile upon seeing me. He's a boy so when we played games, we had a blast. Though it was difficult to find things he wanted to talk about, and he didn't know what he really believed about God and didn't have words to discuss it. 

Rebuilding trust, showing him love, giving him grace, being patient, loving him where he was at, not demanding or needing something from him. It was hard at times. I wanted him to verbally tell me that I meant something to him, but I didn't get that and sometimes didn't get it with nonverbals much either. Sometimes I doubted, got discouraged, didn't know if what I was doing was doing any good, if he really wanted me around or needed me at all. But I loved him. And I knew God had brought us back together. By faith, I chose to officially become his sponsor. As a step of faithfulness to God, I chose to commit to this boy though I didn't know if I could always afford it and I wasn't being over-flowed with affirmation from Diego. 

The last time I saw Diego, was the most special since him being a teenager. It was his graduation from 9th grade. He was clearly excited that I was there. He was much more talkative, and more open to me about his struggles. We got to spend more time together, and he sought me out. He even consented to dancing with me for one song at the graduation dance. :) It was so special to see him graduate. I was so proud of him. I couldn't believe that God had got me to this place, seeing him graduate. So kind of the Lord. 

The next day, the day of my flight back to the states, he asked a couple of times, "You'll always keep coming back to visit right?" I said that I would come as soon as I could and God allowed. As I said goodbye to him, I hugged him and told him that I loved him as I always did when I left my visits. This time, he hugged me a bit longer and said Igual. Same, me too. That one simple word. An unexpected gift. And it filled my heart. 

Diego, te quiero mi ahijado y por siempre te amaré. Oro con toda mi corazón que conozcas el amor de Dios cual es infinitamente más grande que el mío. Oro que seas salvado, sanado, liberado y llenado de gozo del Señor en este nuevo año de edad. Feliz cumpleaños, aunque estás tan lejos de mi siempre estás y estarás en mi corazón.