I haven’t written in a long time and there is a lot to update on
but for now I just want to share something that has been on my heart for a
while now, and was brought to the surface again today. It’s hard to put into
words but I’m going to try.
Today I got back from visiting Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos
for the third time since being here (the first orphanage I ever visited, where
Diego lives). By the time I got back my heart felt quite heavy and my body
tired and slightly nauseous. Going to NPH is always quite emotional for me
because of the weight that place has in my life. I often don’t know how to sort
through all I feel. So I got back to Emmanuel and went for a run, my go-to for
when my emotions feel too heavy and confusing. A few minutes into my run, once
I got into the woods and had reached the top of the first hill I broke down
crying.
…There’s a battle in my heart to live, to long, to love, to
risk losing, to believe, to trust, to open my heart…but it hurts, it physically
hurts. I wanted to vomit today on my run. I often feel that every fiber of my
heart is fighting to protect itself, to close itself off, because I have loved
and lost, and the sadness, the loneliness feels unbearable at times. My whole
time being here at Emmanuel I’ve been fighting this battle to truly love. To
let people in, let them get to me, get to my heart, to that vulnerable place
where I can’t protect myself anymore, where I truly love them. It’s rooted in
fear. Fear that my heart will break when I leave, that I can’t handle my heart
breaking another time. How many times Lord, I ask, will I love, find a home
with someone and then it be stripped away? How many people will I come to
deeply love and then have to leave? Or have to leave for a period of time and
miss out on parts of their lives, miss out on walking beside them?
When I look
at Diego, I grieve the four years I missed out on, the rest of his childhood. I
miss the little boy that I loved. He is now growing into a young man, and I
still love him, but how do I express it? How do I get to know him again? How do
I express to him how much I long for him to truly know God? Or how much I want
to have a relationship with him again, to know his heart? How do I not run away
in fear? Or when I look at my high
school girls, and they tell me of the abuse they’ve experienced and their
current struggles, how do I let myself break for them, and beg the Lord for
their salvation and freedom and not run away, protecting my heart from the pain
of truly loving them? How do I be present in every hug, in every smile, in each
moment I have with my medium girls or my students, and not protect my heart
through being busy and rushing from one thing to the next?
Pieces of my heart are in so many places, all over the
world, and now in three different orphanages in Honduras yet…no place is truly home. I long for a home. I long to
be somewhere that I love, that I believe in, where I feel called to, with
people I love, to be fully present, to be fully open to love and be loved. Because
I don’t truly feel at home here at Emmanuel or called to be here long term,
this drives my heart to self-protection, to distance my heart. Quite aware of
this my prayer for months now has been that God would open me, let the children
into my heart, that I would love them despite my fears. And slowly but surely
he has been reopening my heart.
But today I felt the weight again of this battle and in
tears I cried out to God, Where do I belong?
His soft reply was, In my arms.
He is my only true home.
I will forever be restless until I find my rest in Him.
Because of the blood of Christ, I belong. Because of the blood of Christ, I
have a home that can never be taken away from me. Because of the blood of
Christ, I am loved, not just a general love but a specific, individual love
that speaks, you matter to me, I have not forgotten you, you are mine. Only
when I am safe in His arms can I risk loving others.
