You Hold Me Now

Sang the song "You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong United tonight at a CRU meeting. The lyrics of this song break me every time. The chorus is such a beautiful picture of heaven, filled with such longing for that day when there will be no more pain. I think of the pain in my life, my wounds that will be healed, my sin that will forever be gone, my heart that will be whole, redeemed and perfectly cherished by my beloved Jesus.

And I think of the country of Honduras, and my precious children that live there. My heart aches so deeply for them to be healed, to be free, to have all their tears wiped away by Jesus. Oh how I long for the day. The abandoned will be truly loved. The abused and threatened will be safe. Their wounds will be completely redeemed. The heartbroken will know joy. The fearful will know peace and security. The orphan will have a family, will have a Father. For all eternity. They will be held. I will be held. We will no longer be separated. No more goodbyes. No more death. We will be with Jesus. For all eternity.

Deeply thankful that one of my dearest friends was there tonight who has volunteered with me at Orphanage Emmanuel and loves Honduras and whose heart breaks for the children of Honduras. So grateful to cry together, to let ourselves love, to ache, to long, to break, to continue to put our hearts in the hands of the Father, to hope in Him, to rejoice through our tears that He loves us and He longs far deeper than we can ever imagine for the hearts and souls and redemption of these children.

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now, 

You hold me now

                                       http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LX12vnPX60s

A heavy heart...a prayer to the Father for mercy

After reading a sobering blog post yesterday commemorating a street boy who was killed a year ago in Honduras, my heart felt so heavy. I felt so broken for these boys that crime, drugs and gangs can seem like the only option, that they don't have families that love them, that they don't have hope. What also stood out in this post is that pride can keep them from seeking help, drives revenge that many desire, and ultimately keeps them from knowing the God who longs so deeply that they come into His arms and know His love, freedom and hope.

Immediately the faces of the boys I've gotten to know and love in Honduras played through my mind. I thought of the boys and the girl in these pictures who have left the orphanage and are now facing reality. Some have gotten jobs and for that I am grateful. Others are looking. Others I haven't heard from and I don't know. But my greatest prayer is not that they find a job, my greatest prayer which is also my greatest prayer for myself is that we would be humbled of our pride and simply come to the Father.

Oh dear Father, I pray with many tears for the souls of the youth of Honduras. Lord, for your name's sake, for your glory, I plead that you would be merciful to them. In your great compassion, awake their hearts, open their eyes, grant them repentance and saving faith that they might know you Lord. That they might know your love, your freedom, your hope in this life and that someday they might spend all eternity with you where there will be no more tears and no more pain. Lord, humble me that I might be a vessel not for my own glory but of your love to the least of these for the praise of your glorious name. In the precious and powerful name of Jesus, Amen.

A sweet surprise

Today I received one of the sweetest letters I've ever received...it was from one of my students in Honduras. He sent it through a volunteer who was making a trip to the US. His name is E, he was one of my 10th grade students. He's a very kind kid who is absolutely in love with science. He's very intelligent, studious and dreams of being some kind of pilot, well particularly he would love to be a part of the US Air Force. He would always ask me if I knew about certain Air Force stations or types of planes or different types of nanotechnology and the majority of the time I had very little idea what he was talking about, or had never heard of the place. But I tried to listen and encourage him as much as I could, for I have always loved learning and loved Biology in high school, so I know what it is like to be captivated by a subject and be intrigued by science. Because of his love of science and studying it often hindered him in making friends. He spent most recesses reading a science book by himself or walking alone. In several of his English projects or small assignments he was quite open with me about his relational struggles and aware of how his serious, studious personality hindered him. It was sad to read what he wrote about having few friends, feeling like he was always failing in friendships and not always knowing why and how he has accustomed himself to being alone. But everyone needs love...and what continually humbles me is how just a little love to those who receive so little can mean more and do more than we imagine. I was no heroine, or mother Teresa in loving E. I did not go out of my way to find great ways of loving him. But simple words of encouragement, printing off pictures of airplanes for him and hugging him though he didn't really know how to give a hug meant more to him than I ever thought. When I read his letter to me today, I couldn't hold back the tears from pouring down. He unashamedly expressed how Christ's love through me had impacted his life. I feel so humbled that God chose to use me to impact this boy's life. And feel so broken that the little love that I gave him was more than he had ever received before. Oh how beautiful that God calls us to love the least of these for it truly is unto Him.

Here are a few of E's words (translated):

"Thank you for encouraging me in what I want to become. I certainly see God through you, and that makes me see that I need Him. I consider you my friend...although you may not have noted it you are a person that I love very much...thank you for all that you did here at Emmanuel: being a teacher, caring for little girls, sharing the word of God, being our friend and our support...honestly you are the only person with whom I have experienced true affection. The pictures of the airplanes encourage me more and more everyday that I see them to become what I long to be. Thank you for encouraging me in this way."

He wrote a lot more but I won't share it all...his words humble me tremendously. They make me sad that the little I gave him was so much to him. But they make me grateful that I serve a God who loves through us and impacts lives by His love that we can never foresee and make me feel so blessed that God loves to bless my heart with words of love and encouragement.

I hope that this encourages you to love those who are not loved and to believe that God works deeply in the hearts of those whom He touches through our small and feeble efforts.

Please also pray for E, he has one year left in high school at Emmanuel. Pray that God provides a way for him to pursue his dreams.

the last 8 months...a bit of a summary

             So it's been way too long since I've posted on my blog. Sorry for that! Life got so full at the end of my time at Orphanage Emmanuel and my internet was unpredictable and slow. But now that I have been back for about two weeks here is a summary of my time in Honduras...(hopefully I will be posting soon about my future plans)...

             Well the last 8 months have been full of blessings and trials. There were many things that were very hard about it but God remained faithful to me, and more than that chose to bless me by opening countless doors for me to live out my passions and minister to the children at Emmanuel. Thank you so much for your prayers, support and encouragement that enabled me to do what God called me to do at Emmanuel this past year. Without a doubt your prayers were what sustained me and moved God’s hand to work in the lives of the children there.

While at Emmanuel, God opened doors for me to try many different things. The first three weeks I worked in the clinic, taking care of an 11-year-old boy who had casts on both feet, and had other disorders and disabilities. Through this God showed me for one that I’m not called to be a nurse, but He taught me a lot about patience and doing things out of my comfort zone. Near the end of the three weeks, J accepted Christ into his heart, which was such a sweet moment.

After the clinic, I worked in the Elementary school. I created reading tests and tested the 4^th, 5^th and 6^th graders and later became the reading teacher of about 100 students. During these next 3 months I was also assigned to work with the two medium girls houses (between 8-13 yrs old, total around 80 girls). I worked with them in the morning and during meal times. For about 3 months I was in charge of supervising the cleaning up of their dining hall after every meal with teenagers who helped in the houses. I honestly really disliked this job. I liked being able to spend time with a smaller group of girls but getting a group of 10 teenage girls to clean fast, well and without complaining is like asking an elephant to fly. Though I thought I had learned about patience with J, God obviously had a lot more work to do in me. He also wanted to teach me about submission, perseverance and serving in ways that I don’t always like.

            So the first four months were pretty hard, I was working 11-hour days with little break during the day and only Sundays free. I didn’t have much emotional reserve and easily felt burnt out so deeply connecting with the kids was hard because of my busy schedule and the shear quantity of kids I was assigned to care for. I also wasn’t being poured into spiritually or emotionally very much. So I came back to the States in July to renew my VISA somewhat discouraged and disillusioned.

            But the next four months ended up being totally different. Upon returning to Emmanuel in July, I substitute taught English in the high school while my friend who was the English teacher was in Costa Rica for 3 weeks. I was quite nervous about it, but I ended up completely loving teaching high school English and was able to stay on as the English teacher for the rest of my time at Emmanuel. Although it was definitely very challenging, my students always made me laugh and I came to love each one of them. God really confirmed to me that my passion is working with youth. Through teaching I was able to build relationships of trust, truth, grace and love with my students. I had so many opportunities to share the gospel with them and to seek to live it out to them. God opened so many doors to encourage them, care for them individually and help them think about their dreams, hopes and future.

Through out my time at Emmanuel I was able to do small group Bible studies with the older girls that helped in the medium girls houses and to do one-on-one discipleship with many of them. I loved being able to study the Bible together and I especially loved being able to come alongside of them in whatever moment and listen to them share about their struggles, pour out their hearts and ask profound questions.

One of the girls that I became closest to is named K. She is 18 years old and just graduated 7^th grade. She helps in the medium girls house. We became close pretty quickly. She is a strong girl with a big personality that can swing all over the place. She can come across as tough at times, at other times hyper and very boisterous, at other times reserved and shy. We met about once a week for about 5 or 6 months. Soon on she began to share with me about her past, a past that has remained largely untold and secret until we started meeting. It was heartbreaking and horrifying to hear what she had to tell me. She endured as a child more abuse and neglect than I could hardly imagine. We talked about her past, her present, about everything. Most of the time I just listened. Although I wish I could say that she came to the point of forgiving those who have abused her and has found true freedom in Christ, I know that her learning to trust someone, to express her hurt, know that she is loved no matter what and be continually pointed to Christ was a truly significant step in her journey towards healing and forgiveness. I believe that if God sent me to Emmanuel for just one person it was for K. She remains so dear to my heart and I ask that you keep her in your prayers. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for her throughout the last several months, I know that God has been answering your prayers.  

In the last four months, I also had the opportunity to speak several times at a youth discipleship meeting. I spoke on prayer, God’s love through studying Hosea, and on forgiveness. It was exciting for me to share on topics that are so essential to the Christian walk and to share in a way that was truly centered on the gospel. For the medium girls I was able to lead a morning devotional every other week. To change things up for them, I had them act out Bible stories using the Bible passage or the Jesus Story Bible. The girls loved acting and always begged to be chosen to participate. Twice I was able to choreograph dramas for church, a dance to Kari Jobe’s “You Are For Me” and a drama to D.C. Reto’s “The Prostitute.”

           Lastly, a very special thing for me while I was in Honduras was that Emmanuel was an easy hour bus ride away from the first orphanage I ever visited 5 ½ years ago NPH where my godson, the boy I sponsor, DG and two other “unofficial” godsons, DE and E, live. Throughout this past year I was able to visit them many times and rebuild a relationship with them. It was so clear to me that God gave me this gift out of his pure love that delights to affirm and cherish my heart. It was so special to be able to see them all graduate 9^th grade, they have grown up so much. 

            God taught me so much during the last 8 months from His love and faithfulness to growing me in patience and trust to showing me more about my passions and what He has created me for, to simply loving on me through hundreds of Honduran children. Thank you for your support and prayers that made the last 8 months possible. Thank you for being a part of the work that God has done in and through me. I can’t express enough how much it has meant to me.

                                                                                                            

Prayer talk at the Discipleship meeting last night...

Last night’s talk went really well. It was exciting and such a privilege to talk about prayer. I felt so humbled to have the opportunity to share about something so marvelous and so vital to our walk with Christ. It was also really great to take the time to study prayer again and look at what the Bible says about it. It was as much needed in my own life as in that of the youth. I long to be so much more consistent, faithful and earnest in my own prayer life and am convicted of how prideful I am that I think I can succeed or even survive any part of my day without coming first to the Lord in prayer. Talking about prayer has made me so grateful to so many of my friends at Dartmouth and on summer project who have shown me what it is like to be committed to prayer, to stop at any point and pray and with whom I have experienced such powerful and intimate times of communal prayer, of seeking the Father together. Thank you.

To share a bit about what I talked on here is a quick outline:

1. What is Prayer (adoration, confession, supplication, intercession, thanksgiving)

2. The command to pray (why God commands us to pray and why we should want to pray-- all the marvelous promises/results of prayer)

3. Why we don't pray (unbelief/blindness to who God is, shame, and sin of pride and independence and what do we do about that: pray for God to open our eyes to who He is, believe on the promises of God about prayer and that through Christ we can come to him in prayer and confession of our sin of pride, unbelief, independence and believe in the gospel that cleanses us, enables us to come to God and creates in us a longing for communion with God as we rejoice in our salvation

Then we had a time of extended prayer where we went through each of the elements of prayer.

Thank you for your prayers it was so great to see the youth coming together to pray. I know God was listening, His presence was there and that He will answer in His perfect and good way to the prayers that came before Him last night.

Even though I get nervous for public speaking, I do really enjoy the challenge of it and am passionate about sharing with these youth so many truths that have and continue to so deeply impact my life. I mentioned to the main leader that if they ever need someone again that I would be willing to speak. She said that she would talk with the other leaders about it and was very encouraging of it. We typically have a pastor from town come every other week but she said she might have me speak on the other weeks so about twice a month potentially. Please pray for God’s leading and wisdom regarding this. A topic that I would love to speak on is forgiveness. Through discipleship and talking with my girls I know that unforgiveness has a strong grip on many of them. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we are called to but also so vitally important to our relationship with God. Forgiveness isn’t a simple thing, it must be deep, it’s a process. Though I have fear speaking about it I also feel burdened to do so. Please pray that God might open up this door but ultimately that these youth would come to experience the freedom of forgiveness and the joy of obeying the Lord. 

August Update

So it’s been a while, sorry!…but finally here is an update on my life here in Honduras. It’s quite long, a lot to update on…I’ll be impressed if you get through the whole thing! :) 

School happenings…

The library is finally decorated!! Some teams came this summer who had artists, sewers and man-power so we were able to make colorful mat covers, book-ends and paintings for the walls including a tree with the kids’ traced hands as leaves. I’m so happy that these ideas actually became a reality and that finally the library looks like a library—a warm inviting place to read J

Here is a picture of the library when I first got here:

Here is what it looks like now:

So I really enjoyed the three weeks teaching English in the high school and God has enabled me to stay in the high school as an assistant teacher (I trained another volunteer to take over my Elementary school reading classes). I am so happy and grateful that this worked out because I have discovered that I like and am much more passionate about teaching in high school than in Elementary school. Being a teacher in the high school has opened up some really cool doors to get to know the older kids better (several of whom are in the discipleship program I help out with), to have great conversations to encourage the youth and talk about God. I’m also learning a lot about teaching English as a second language, which is something I have wanted to learn for a while now.

Bible Studies/Discipleship…

Please continue to pray for the Bible studies I have with my high school girls on Monday and Tuesday nights (there are two houses). We’ve been going through a devotional that I’ve been writing for them called “The gospel: my freedom, hope and power.” The first section is on who God is particularly focusing on His holiness, the second is on who we are: created in the image of God but fallen and completely depraved, the third is on who Jesus is: on Him as our only hope for salvation, and the fourth is on our response to the gospel: what is true salvation. We are still working through these first four, the basics of what the gospel really is. My hope for the following studies is to study what we are called to as Christians (such as forgiveness, love, sharing the gospel, sexual purity etc.) but that it is this same gospel that gives us the heart motivation and power to live the Christian life, that it is all based, rooted in the gospel, that it all comes out of knowing and experiencing the gospel of grace. Please pray that God would give me wisdom and guidance as I write these devotionals and lead these studies. I feel the great weight yet also excitement, joy, deep longing and urgency to proclaim the gospel clearly to these girls. Please pray that God would work powerfully by His Spirit through these studies and that these girls would truly be saved and know the power of the gospel in their lives.

One-on-one discipleship…

I haven’t been able to do as much of this for a while because of the demands of teaching but I am starting to do more again, though there have always been a few that have consistently sought out my counsel. Some of the topics/issues that have come up and I’m seeking to walk alongside these girls in are:

-experiencing heartbreak after breaking up with a boyfriend

-confusion and sadness in interacting with a close friend who is being disobedient, hurtful and not walking with the Lord

-forgiving abusive parents (please please pray for this, it has a strong grip on so many youth here, and particularly some of my girls, only the power of Jesus can penetrate these walls)

-spiritual battle—sin, violent anger, discouragement, evil spirits, dreams about witchcraft

-making time to spend with God and study His word

-desire and fear of having close friends, friendships being attacked

-wanting to leave the orphanage…I have a couple girls who are 18 or turning 18 and are in 7^th grade. When a child here turns 18 they can legally leave an orphanage though they don’t have to. They want to be with their family, they want to get out from all the rules at the orphanage. One in particular is dead set on leaving in a couple months once she finishes this school year. It’s so hard for me to see this, I’ve been trying to talk with her pretty point blank about what this means for her future but she doesn’t really want to listen. What options are there for an 18-year-old girl with a 7^th grade education? She won’t be able to keep studying if she goes back to live with her mom. What will her future be like? I don’t want to think about it but I’ve had to be very direct with her. The only probable options are selling things on the streets, maybe selling things in a small store/stand on the road or in an open-air market, or being some sort of maid. The options are bleak. It breaks my heart to think of her living in poverty. But without an education what hope is there? I try to explain to her that if she truly loves her family she should continue her education so that she can help provide for them someday. But thinking down the road is not on her mind, all she knows is what she wants right now. Please pray for her. I’ve been having a similar conversation with another 18 year old in 7^th grade, but thankfully she’s open and willing to listen. She’s struggling a lot to be motivated to continue her studies but she’s begun to grasp the idea that she needs an education in order to get any kind of a stable job in the future.

 Discipleship Program…

I am still helping out with the Discipleship program they have here. A few weeks ago I translated for a speaker from the United States. My Spanish wasn’t perfect but the message got across. IT was an exciting challenge for me. God keeps challenging and pushing me to keep growing in my Spanish, often I step back and think, how did I get here? I hated Spanish for the first at least 7 years of studying it because I was so bad at it. I never would have imagined being able to translate, teach, disciple etc in Spanish. God is indeed bigger than our natural gifting.

So speaking of challenges…tomorrow I will be giving the message at our discipleship meeting. I will be speaking on prayer, which will then be followed by leading the youth in an extending time of prayer. Please pray that God would give me the words to say, that the youth’s ears and hearts would be open and that God would open their eyes to see who He really is, convict them of their pride and independence and give them a deep and lasting desire to seek His presence, power, wisdom and transformation in prayer.

Visiting NPH…

Several weeks ago I was able to visit Diego, Dennis and Erick again. They had a big event called the Olympics at their orphanage, where the entire orphanage is split up into teams and competes the whole weekend. It was really fun, I joined Diego’s team. I gave each of the boys a book based on the recent TV series called the Bible, that retells stories from the Bible in a narrative form. I’ve had a few spiritual conversations with these boys and they don’t have much interest in God so please pray that God might move them to read this book and that it might draw them closer to Him.

Once I got back from NPH I was reading a poem that I had written about Diego my freshman year of college. Many parts made me cry but I was particularly hit by a part that I had forgotten about, reading it God reminded me again just how good He has been to me, how He has been in control the whole time and knew 5 years ago that He would indeed bring me back here, that He needed to do some great work in me before I would come to name this blog what it is named, and be able to return to Honduras…here is part of the poem…

“God, will this someday be my reality?

I pray that you bring me back.

for I see you here

I see the need for you here

I see who you have created me to be

here

where excess is striped away.

But maybe I am just running away

from obstacles that I don’t want to face.

my weaknesses.

You do not have the strength yet my child.

I am giving you a glimpse

I have not prepared you yet.

You must go back to your world.

You must face your fears.

You must become

“like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the maidens”

before I send you back.

Trust in me.”

Future thoughts…

A few weeks ago I visited three different ministries in Tegucigalpa: Casa de Ester (safe home for teen girls) the Micah Project (home and outreach to street boys) and La Esperanza (day care and youth center for families in poverty). I really enjoyed visiting all of them, learning about their ministries and meeting the staff and kids. At the moment though I am not feeling led to any of the ones in Tegucigalpa because I am feeling quite drawn to a ministry in La Ceiba (in the north of Honduras). The ministry there is a church-planting ministry through Mission to The World, the missionary sending branch of the Presbyterian Church of America. I found them through the gospel coalition’s online church directory, their church plant is one of the three listed in Honduras. They also have several mercy ministries in La Ceiba including a safe home for teen moms, a street children outreach and a medical center. I’ve been in contact with their team leader, and MTW recruiter and am hoping to take a vision trip there this month. I’m in the middle of the application process to be a 6 month intern there this coming year. Please pray for God’s guidance in all of this. I’m really excited about this opportunity, particularly because my heart in the last several years has grow more and more in love with the church and my convictions on missions, theology and missionary care seem to align very closely with this ministry. I don’t know what God will do, but it continues to be an adventure.

Thank you so much for your continual prayers for me and for what God is doing here in Honduras. I know God continues to answer them in my life and in the lives of the children here. So I can’t express enough how grateful I am for interceding to the Father on my behalf.

Dance Performance :)

The dance performance in the church went really well tonight. My girls were really nervous but they did a beautiful job, so proud of them. They were so excited afterwards at how well it went :) Here is a picture of the group:

Here is a link to a video of the dance on youtube (we did it to the song "Tu Eres Para Mi" (You are For  Me) by Kari Jobe): Tu Eres Para Mi--Kari Jobe Praise Dance