Prayer talk at the Discipleship meeting last night...

Last night’s talk went really well. It was exciting and such a privilege to talk about prayer. I felt so humbled to have the opportunity to share about something so marvelous and so vital to our walk with Christ. It was also really great to take the time to study prayer again and look at what the Bible says about it. It was as much needed in my own life as in that of the youth. I long to be so much more consistent, faithful and earnest in my own prayer life and am convicted of how prideful I am that I think I can succeed or even survive any part of my day without coming first to the Lord in prayer. Talking about prayer has made me so grateful to so many of my friends at Dartmouth and on summer project who have shown me what it is like to be committed to prayer, to stop at any point and pray and with whom I have experienced such powerful and intimate times of communal prayer, of seeking the Father together. Thank you.

To share a bit about what I talked on here is a quick outline:

1. What is Prayer (adoration, confession, supplication, intercession, thanksgiving)

2. The command to pray (why God commands us to pray and why we should want to pray-- all the marvelous promises/results of prayer)

3. Why we don't pray (unbelief/blindness to who God is, shame, and sin of pride and independence and what do we do about that: pray for God to open our eyes to who He is, believe on the promises of God about prayer and that through Christ we can come to him in prayer and confession of our sin of pride, unbelief, independence and believe in the gospel that cleanses us, enables us to come to God and creates in us a longing for communion with God as we rejoice in our salvation

Then we had a time of extended prayer where we went through each of the elements of prayer.

Thank you for your prayers it was so great to see the youth coming together to pray. I know God was listening, His presence was there and that He will answer in His perfect and good way to the prayers that came before Him last night.

Even though I get nervous for public speaking, I do really enjoy the challenge of it and am passionate about sharing with these youth so many truths that have and continue to so deeply impact my life. I mentioned to the main leader that if they ever need someone again that I would be willing to speak. She said that she would talk with the other leaders about it and was very encouraging of it. We typically have a pastor from town come every other week but she said she might have me speak on the other weeks so about twice a month potentially. Please pray for God’s leading and wisdom regarding this. A topic that I would love to speak on is forgiveness. Through discipleship and talking with my girls I know that unforgiveness has a strong grip on many of them. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we are called to but also so vitally important to our relationship with God. Forgiveness isn’t a simple thing, it must be deep, it’s a process. Though I have fear speaking about it I also feel burdened to do so. Please pray that God might open up this door but ultimately that these youth would come to experience the freedom of forgiveness and the joy of obeying the Lord. 

August Update

So it’s been a while, sorry!…but finally here is an update on my life here in Honduras. It’s quite long, a lot to update on…I’ll be impressed if you get through the whole thing! :) 

School happenings…

The library is finally decorated!! Some teams came this summer who had artists, sewers and man-power so we were able to make colorful mat covers, book-ends and paintings for the walls including a tree with the kids’ traced hands as leaves. I’m so happy that these ideas actually became a reality and that finally the library looks like a library—a warm inviting place to read J

Here is a picture of the library when I first got here:

Here is what it looks like now:

So I really enjoyed the three weeks teaching English in the high school and God has enabled me to stay in the high school as an assistant teacher (I trained another volunteer to take over my Elementary school reading classes). I am so happy and grateful that this worked out because I have discovered that I like and am much more passionate about teaching in high school than in Elementary school. Being a teacher in the high school has opened up some really cool doors to get to know the older kids better (several of whom are in the discipleship program I help out with), to have great conversations to encourage the youth and talk about God. I’m also learning a lot about teaching English as a second language, which is something I have wanted to learn for a while now.

Bible Studies/Discipleship…

Please continue to pray for the Bible studies I have with my high school girls on Monday and Tuesday nights (there are two houses). We’ve been going through a devotional that I’ve been writing for them called “The gospel: my freedom, hope and power.” The first section is on who God is particularly focusing on His holiness, the second is on who we are: created in the image of God but fallen and completely depraved, the third is on who Jesus is: on Him as our only hope for salvation, and the fourth is on our response to the gospel: what is true salvation. We are still working through these first four, the basics of what the gospel really is. My hope for the following studies is to study what we are called to as Christians (such as forgiveness, love, sharing the gospel, sexual purity etc.) but that it is this same gospel that gives us the heart motivation and power to live the Christian life, that it is all based, rooted in the gospel, that it all comes out of knowing and experiencing the gospel of grace. Please pray that God would give me wisdom and guidance as I write these devotionals and lead these studies. I feel the great weight yet also excitement, joy, deep longing and urgency to proclaim the gospel clearly to these girls. Please pray that God would work powerfully by His Spirit through these studies and that these girls would truly be saved and know the power of the gospel in their lives.

One-on-one discipleship…

I haven’t been able to do as much of this for a while because of the demands of teaching but I am starting to do more again, though there have always been a few that have consistently sought out my counsel. Some of the topics/issues that have come up and I’m seeking to walk alongside these girls in are:

-experiencing heartbreak after breaking up with a boyfriend

-confusion and sadness in interacting with a close friend who is being disobedient, hurtful and not walking with the Lord

-forgiving abusive parents (please please pray for this, it has a strong grip on so many youth here, and particularly some of my girls, only the power of Jesus can penetrate these walls)

-spiritual battle—sin, violent anger, discouragement, evil spirits, dreams about witchcraft

-making time to spend with God and study His word

-desire and fear of having close friends, friendships being attacked

-wanting to leave the orphanage…I have a couple girls who are 18 or turning 18 and are in 7^th grade. When a child here turns 18 they can legally leave an orphanage though they don’t have to. They want to be with their family, they want to get out from all the rules at the orphanage. One in particular is dead set on leaving in a couple months once she finishes this school year. It’s so hard for me to see this, I’ve been trying to talk with her pretty point blank about what this means for her future but she doesn’t really want to listen. What options are there for an 18-year-old girl with a 7^th grade education? She won’t be able to keep studying if she goes back to live with her mom. What will her future be like? I don’t want to think about it but I’ve had to be very direct with her. The only probable options are selling things on the streets, maybe selling things in a small store/stand on the road or in an open-air market, or being some sort of maid. The options are bleak. It breaks my heart to think of her living in poverty. But without an education what hope is there? I try to explain to her that if she truly loves her family she should continue her education so that she can help provide for them someday. But thinking down the road is not on her mind, all she knows is what she wants right now. Please pray for her. I’ve been having a similar conversation with another 18 year old in 7^th grade, but thankfully she’s open and willing to listen. She’s struggling a lot to be motivated to continue her studies but she’s begun to grasp the idea that she needs an education in order to get any kind of a stable job in the future.

 Discipleship Program…

I am still helping out with the Discipleship program they have here. A few weeks ago I translated for a speaker from the United States. My Spanish wasn’t perfect but the message got across. IT was an exciting challenge for me. God keeps challenging and pushing me to keep growing in my Spanish, often I step back and think, how did I get here? I hated Spanish for the first at least 7 years of studying it because I was so bad at it. I never would have imagined being able to translate, teach, disciple etc in Spanish. God is indeed bigger than our natural gifting.

So speaking of challenges…tomorrow I will be giving the message at our discipleship meeting. I will be speaking on prayer, which will then be followed by leading the youth in an extending time of prayer. Please pray that God would give me the words to say, that the youth’s ears and hearts would be open and that God would open their eyes to see who He really is, convict them of their pride and independence and give them a deep and lasting desire to seek His presence, power, wisdom and transformation in prayer.

Visiting NPH…

Several weeks ago I was able to visit Diego, Dennis and Erick again. They had a big event called the Olympics at their orphanage, where the entire orphanage is split up into teams and competes the whole weekend. It was really fun, I joined Diego’s team. I gave each of the boys a book based on the recent TV series called the Bible, that retells stories from the Bible in a narrative form. I’ve had a few spiritual conversations with these boys and they don’t have much interest in God so please pray that God might move them to read this book and that it might draw them closer to Him.

Once I got back from NPH I was reading a poem that I had written about Diego my freshman year of college. Many parts made me cry but I was particularly hit by a part that I had forgotten about, reading it God reminded me again just how good He has been to me, how He has been in control the whole time and knew 5 years ago that He would indeed bring me back here, that He needed to do some great work in me before I would come to name this blog what it is named, and be able to return to Honduras…here is part of the poem…

“God, will this someday be my reality?

I pray that you bring me back.

for I see you here

I see the need for you here

I see who you have created me to be

here

where excess is striped away.

But maybe I am just running away

from obstacles that I don’t want to face.

my weaknesses.

You do not have the strength yet my child.

I am giving you a glimpse

I have not prepared you yet.

You must go back to your world.

You must face your fears.

You must become

“like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the maidens”

before I send you back.

Trust in me.”

Future thoughts…

A few weeks ago I visited three different ministries in Tegucigalpa: Casa de Ester (safe home for teen girls) the Micah Project (home and outreach to street boys) and La Esperanza (day care and youth center for families in poverty). I really enjoyed visiting all of them, learning about their ministries and meeting the staff and kids. At the moment though I am not feeling led to any of the ones in Tegucigalpa because I am feeling quite drawn to a ministry in La Ceiba (in the north of Honduras). The ministry there is a church-planting ministry through Mission to The World, the missionary sending branch of the Presbyterian Church of America. I found them through the gospel coalition’s online church directory, their church plant is one of the three listed in Honduras. They also have several mercy ministries in La Ceiba including a safe home for teen moms, a street children outreach and a medical center. I’ve been in contact with their team leader, and MTW recruiter and am hoping to take a vision trip there this month. I’m in the middle of the application process to be a 6 month intern there this coming year. Please pray for God’s guidance in all of this. I’m really excited about this opportunity, particularly because my heart in the last several years has grow more and more in love with the church and my convictions on missions, theology and missionary care seem to align very closely with this ministry. I don’t know what God will do, but it continues to be an adventure.

Thank you so much for your continual prayers for me and for what God is doing here in Honduras. I know God continues to answer them in my life and in the lives of the children here. So I can’t express enough how grateful I am for interceding to the Father on my behalf.

Dance Performance :)

The dance performance in the church went really well tonight. My girls were really nervous but they did a beautiful job, so proud of them. They were so excited afterwards at how well it went :) Here is a picture of the group:

Here is a link to a video of the dance on youtube (we did it to the song "Tu Eres Para Mi" (You are For  Me) by Kari Jobe): Tu Eres Para Mi--Kari Jobe Praise Dance

Blessings...

Again I haven’t written in a while so here is finally an update…

At the beginning of July I spend 2 weeks back in the states with my parents. It was really restful and rejuvenating. I even got to spend a couple days in Colorado at the Cru staff conference, which was a special blessing and really filled me up and motivated me. I have now been back in Honduras for about 2 weeks and God has filled this time with many blessings, most unexpected.

First off, one of my best friends came as a volunteer here at the beginning of July and we have another week and a half together. It’s been really fun and encouraging being together. God has really blessed this time we’ve had together. 

Second, I have been relieved of one of my responsibilities here, which was supervising the cleaning up of our dining room after every meal. Let’s just say that in the last 4 months of having this responsibility God taught me a lot about doing something I really don’t like and dealing with a lot of poor attitudes (trying to get teenage girls to clean quickly with a positive attitude is quite hard). So this has been a huge blessing to not be in charge of that anymore. It’s taken quite a bit of stress out of my life/given me a bit more margin to breathe during my really packed days. I’ve been praying though that I would be a good steward of this extra time/energy that He’s given me as a result.

One of the things that I’ve been able to start as a result of having more time and energy are two Bible Studies at night for the older/high school girls that help out in the medium girls houses. I have been meeting one-on-one with about 12-15 different older girls, and have been creating my own devotional books (called The Gospel: My Hope, Freedom, and Power) for them but now we are joining together to study and discuss the Bible. It’s been going really well, the girls have been asking so many questions and are really engaged in learning more about God. They’ve also been quite honest about their prayer requests. So that you can join me in prayer for them, these are some of their prayer requests:

-That God would help them fight temptation

-That God would help them to forgive, not hate people who have hurt them, not hold bitterness inside of them

-That God would help them to love

-That God would help them follow Him

I also add to this list that God would save those who are not saved. Not everyone in these Bible Studies have truly repented and given their lives to God, some know this, and several are very unsure about their salvation. Please pray that God would grant them genuine repentance that they might truly experience His forgiveness, grace and love.

I also have been working on a choreography dance with some older girls from another house to perform in church. We will be performing tomorrow night during the Wednesday service, pray that it might minister to those who watch it. We are doing a dance to Kari Jobe’s song “You are For Me” (but in Spanish) which is a song that has meant a lot to me these last 6 months.

Also, I have recently been a substitute English teacher in the high school (7^th-10^th grade) for the teacher who is on vacation. I will be teaching for at least 3 ½ weeks total. I was pretty nervous about teaching these classes because some of the classes are really big (29 students) and I have to teach in Spanish. But it’s actually ended up being a blast. I’ve had so much fun and the projects I have assigned/am assigning I feel are truly meaningful. The project that they are finishing up right now is a timeline project where they describe their past, present and hopes for the future. Most all of the kids have worked really hard and many have been quite honest and transparent about their lives. It’s been so special to read their writing (often makes me tear up) and to see how proud they are of their work. The next project is a project where they will write from the perspective of someone from the Bible. Pray that this would make the Bible more alive, real and relevant for them.

Last thing, so at the moment I am not feeling called to stay at Orphanage Emmanuel long term for a variety of different reasons. I’m not sure what the Lord has in store for me for the future but I still long just as much as ever to be a missionary/in full time ministry. I also still care about Honduras and now that God has given me an ability to speak Spanish in a way I never imagined possible. Right now I am in the process of exploring other ministries in Honduras. Please pray for this process. God has already opened up some cool doors, and so we’ll see what happens as I begin to walk through some of them. This coming Sunday I plan to visit an English speaking church in Tegucigalpa that I found through the gospel coalition’s church directory and meet up with some people of some different ministries in Tegucigalpa. Please pray that God would guide me but most of all that I would just trust Him in the process and continue to do what He is calling me to do here at Emmanuel for the time He has appointed me to be here. 

A battle to love, Pieces of my heart, Longing for a home…

I haven’t written in a long time and there is a lot to update on but for now I just want to share something that has been on my heart for a while now, and was brought to the surface again today. It’s hard to put into words but I’m going to try.

Today I got back from visiting Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos for the third time since being here (the first orphanage I ever visited, where Diego lives). By the time I got back my heart felt quite heavy and my body tired and slightly nauseous. Going to NPH is always quite emotional for me because of the weight that place has in my life. I often don’t know how to sort through all I feel. So I got back to Emmanuel and went for a run, my go-to for when my emotions feel too heavy and confusing. A few minutes into my run, once I got into the woods and had reached the top of the first hill I broke down crying.

…There’s a battle in my heart to live, to long, to love, to risk losing, to believe, to trust, to open my heart…but it hurts, it physically hurts. I wanted to vomit today on my run. I often feel that every fiber of my heart is fighting to protect itself, to close itself off, because I have loved and lost, and the sadness, the loneliness feels unbearable at times. My whole time being here at Emmanuel I’ve been fighting this battle to truly love. To let people in, let them get to me, get to my heart, to that vulnerable place where I can’t protect myself anymore, where I truly love them. It’s rooted in fear. Fear that my heart will break when I leave, that I can’t handle my heart breaking another time. How many times Lord, I ask, will I love, find a home with someone and then it be stripped away? How many people will I come to deeply love and then have to leave? Or have to leave for a period of time and miss out on parts of their lives, miss out on walking beside them? 

When I look at Diego, I grieve the four years I missed out on, the rest of his childhood. I miss the little boy that I loved. He is now growing into a young man, and I still love him, but how do I express it? How do I get to know him again? How do I express to him how much I long for him to truly know God? Or how much I want to have a relationship with him again, to know his heart? How do I not run away in fear? Or when I look at my high school girls, and they tell me of the abuse they’ve experienced and their current struggles, how do I let myself break for them, and beg the Lord for their salvation and freedom and not run away, protecting my heart from the pain of truly loving them? How do I be present in every hug, in every smile, in each moment I have with my medium girls or my students, and not protect my heart through being busy and rushing from one thing to the next?

Pieces of my heart are in so many places, all over the world, and now in three different orphanages in Honduras yet…no place is truly home. I long for a home. I long to be somewhere that I love, that I believe in, where I feel called to, with people I love, to be fully present, to be fully open to love and be loved. Because I don’t truly feel at home here at Emmanuel or called to be here long term, this drives my heart to self-protection, to distance my heart. Quite aware of this my prayer for months now has been that God would open me, let the children into my heart, that I would love them despite my fears. And slowly but surely he has been reopening my heart.

But today I felt the weight again of this battle and in tears I cried out to God, Where do I belong? 

His soft reply was, In my arms.

He is my only true home.

I will forever be restless until I find my rest in Him. Because of the blood of Christ, I belong. Because of the blood of Christ, I have a home that can never be taken away from me. Because of the blood of Christ, I am loved, not just a general love but a specific, individual love that speaks, you matter to me, I have not forgotten you, you are mine. Only when I am safe in His arms can I risk loving others.

Seeing God at work...

Wow, these last couple weeks God has opened so many doors for His gospel to be proclaimed and it has been so amazing to see Him work through the power of the gospel!

These last couple of weeks God has really put it on my heart to go deeper with the girls that I have been building relationships with here and begin to disciple them. For the last about month and a half I have been working in the medium girls houses (girls generally from 9-14--64 of them, with older helper girls ages 15-19--12 of them). I have been spending most of my time with the older helper girls (high schoolers/colieganas) and have felt a great desire to spend one-on-one time with them to begin to disciple them individually. So far it's been such a blessing to see God open these girls hearts to me and speak gospel truth into their lives. Most of them have so much pain in their past. Please pray for me that I would know when to just listen and when to speak and when called to speak that I would speak words that lead them closer to the Lord.

Though I'm really excited about discipling the older girls, some of the most amazing and surprising things God has been doing has been in the hearts of the medium girls. God has been opening such unexpected doors with girls that I least expected, with girls that I have gotten really frustrated and angry with, who are some of the worst behaved girls. Let me share a couple stories...

One girl, who is 15 has been totally unpredictable with her behavior. I work with her (and a group of other fairly difficult girls) cleaning up after dinner. She has been stubborn, angry and disobedient many times. One day, she hit her 8 year old sister very hard in the face right in front of me. When I saw this, I became more angry than I have been in a very long time, I could barely control it. I reprimanded her more firmly and intensely than I think I ever have to anyone before. She did not respond well to me to say the least. In many ways I felt like I blew my chances with her. But MIRACULOUSLY a couple days later she approached me to apologize and seek my counsel. What?! I thought she of all people would probably hate me and never turn to me to confide in me. But by God's grace just a few days later we were sitting together talking about her life, her struggles and about the gospel. And now I'm starting to disciple her. God is so good. I am so thankful that His working in people's hearts is not dependent on me.

Another girl, who is 14 (another after dinner clean-up girl) similarly tried to hide from me two days in a row and who I've had a frustrating experience with, ended up asking me out of the blue how does a person change. This led to an awesome conversation about the gospel and genuine heart change coming from understanding our sin, what Jesus has done on the cross and the forgiveness and love of the Lord. Which then led to spending time with her one-on-one and talking about her heart-breaking past. I'm also starting to disciple her. I am so glad that God chooses to work whether or not I have faith that He will and in the hearts of those who I struggle to have hope for change. How dimly, how humanly I see things, oh that I could have God's eyes and not these eyes that I have that are so blind.

God has also been teaching me so much about how to preach and show the gospel to younger girls. I've had two really cool experiences recently....

The first situation was with a girl who is about 10 years old. She can behave pretty badly, getting into fights often with other girls. One night, she hit another girl which made the girl her cry. So I pulled her aside. My first inclination always is to operate out of my flesh, to get frustrated, to lose patience, to reprimand harshly, to punish...but God has been showing me lately His way and has been giving me the power to follow it. So I sat down with her and began to talk with her. She was super defensive, angry and closed at first. She said she didn't believe in God (which I knew was most likely a lie, as a way to defend herself) and that she didn't think hitting people was wrong. But I kept talking with her, I told her the gospel, I talked about sin, about the punishment for sin, and I talked about God's forgiveness through Jesus Christ. As I talked she began to cry. The power of the gospel was breaking through her hardened heart, it was breaking down her walls, it was beckoning her. I spent almost 45 minutes preaching the gospel to her over and over as she cried and fought the lies of Satan. She eventually admitted that what she did was wrong, and that she wanted God's forgiveness. At first she couldn't bring herself to ask God for forgiveness so I let her go back to her room. About 5 minutes later though she called me to her room because she wanted to talk. Her face was shy but softened. So we went outside, as soon as we sat down she said she wanted to ask for God's forgiveness. So we prayed together asking God to forgive her. It was so beautiful. So beautiful to see God's Spirit work so sweetly in her life.

Today...what a day! This morning I was totally wiped out, I haven't been getting much sleep. And what  is the first thing I find when I get to the medium girls yard? One of our most independent girls who behaves quite badly a lot of the time, totally unwilling to do her morning chores. It would have been easy to just say to get frustrated and say well you are going to be punished for this now shape up and do your work or I'll call another leader here to come reprimand you and make you work. But perhaps I didn't have the energy to get upset or perhaps because God is teaching me His way, I sat down next to her and began to share the gospel with her. Just like the other girl, she was very defensive and stubborn
at first. She also said she didn't believe in God again as a defense mechanism but then it turned into she wanted to go to hell because that's what she believed she deserved. In response to that I simply said well yes she does deserve that, but so do we all, so do I. As I continued to preach the gospel, she eventually admitted that she wanted to ask for God's forgiveness. I then found out that she has never accepted Christ before. After explaining again what it means to accept Christ, to believe in the gospel, she said that she believed that and wanted to accept Christ. So we ended up praying together for her to accept Christ! It was so cool, I would never have thought that that would be how the conversation would end! God is so good.

One last story...later in the day several other medium girls found out that this girl accepted Christ, which then led to a somewhat snowball effect of several other girls wanting to talk with me about God. Word also has been going around about me meeting with the older girls, so each day more are asking me when they can talk with me about God. I can't disciple 76 girls alone, yet I long for each to hear and understand the true gospel, the gospel of grace that saves sinners not the gospel of good works which saves no one. So tonight I went over the the medium girls house to talk with some of the girls who had asked. I went into their bedroom and happened to ask out of about 10 of them how many had accepted Christ, only one raised her hand. I was not expecting this. So I ended up spending over an hour with them explaining the gospel, reading verses from the Bible, drawing pictures and answering questions. It was so cool to correct their works-based notions of being a Christian and accepting Jesus with the true gospel of grace. I know there can be such mixed motivations for them, I don't want them to "accept Christ" superficially just because it's the "cool" thing to do, because the other girls are doing it. I tried to explain clearly what it means to know you are a sinner, to know you need forgiveness, to repent of your sin, to embrace the forgiveness and love of God. I so desire for them to be saved, to be genuinely saved, and to live by the power of the gospel. I asked them to pray tonight, to ask God to show them their sin, to pray about all that I talked with them about. Please please pray that God would truly work in their hearts, that it indeed would be Him drawing them, that they would understand the gospel and be saved by grace through faith. 

Please pray that God would lead me in all things, that He would give me the words to say and the wisdom in how to disciple these girls but most of all that His Spirit would transform lives by the supernatural power of the gospel. 

Thank you for all your prayers, I know without a doubt that they carry me through each day and are opening up the floodgates of heaven in this place.  

some prayer requests...

Life is so busy and crazy here...I have soo much to update on, and the list of things to share just keeps growing everyday but again I find myself without the time to write much of it down but I do want to send out a couple quick prayer requests....I'm going on a retreat tomorrow with our discipleship group high schoolers. The topic of the retreat is inner healing (confessing sin, forgiveness etc). Please pray that God would move powerfully in these young people's lives. Me and my friend Elizabeth (another volunteer) will be leading one of the small groups tomorrow, please pray that God enables us to understand the Spanish of the students we'll be working with so that we can understand their stories, their hearts. Please also pray that God would give us wisdom in how to come alongside them and speak truth into their lives.

Also please pray for the older girls and medium girls in the house that I'm working in here. God's been opening up some really awesome doors lately to speak gospel truth, to disciple girls, and to learn to love like God loves in the midst of really frustrating and difficult situations (I hope to have some time to share some of these stories soon). Pray that God would transform these girls lives with His love and that His Holy Spirit would equip me with the love, the wisdom and all I need to do what He is calling me to do.

Please pray that God would reign in this place and that the gospel, the true gospel would transform lives. Please pray that God would give me the strength, wisdom and love I need each day. I'm being stretched in so many ways here, and I know that I can't survive without God leading me and equipping me every moment.