Diego...

I meant to post this on April 5th, on Diego's birthday, but it's taken a while to collect all my thoughts, or perhaps more like ramble about my thoughts and emotions after reading over my old journal of my first time to Honduras...I could write a whole book on Diego but for now here is a bit of our story. It's my way of loving Diego today, though I can't see him or speak with him....

17 years ago on April 5th, a very special little boy was born in Honduras. His name is Diego. Because of some sad things that happened after he was born that I want to keep private for his sake, he and his siblings came under the care of the Catholic Orphanage Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos (Our Little Brothers and Sisters) when he was 4 years old.

7 years later God would intersect my life with this little boy's in a way that left me forever changed. 

Over the spring break of my senior year of high school, I went on a service trip to Honduras with my AP Biology teacher who had just spent a sabbatical year teaching at NPH. When I first heard about this trip, I felt this overwhelming burden to go. I didn't know how I would pay for it, but I felt this need to go. I was determined that even if it took my birthday and Christmas money for the next however many years to pay for it, I would find a way to go. And God provided. So I went. 

5 days. That was all. 5 life changing days at Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos. 

We were each assigned a house of kids for the 5 days we were there. I was assigned to San Pablo, a house for boys around 10 and 11 years old. At first I had wanted to be with girls, but God had a different plan and an incredible blessing for me in San Pablo. 

It was Holy Week so all the kids had the week off. We spent part of each day doing work projects and spent the rest of the time playing and eating with the kids. It didn't take long for the little boys in San Pablo to completely capture my heart. One little boy, captured it more than any of the others and that was Diego. He was full of energy, laughter, affection and smiles. Oh that smile. It melted my heart. As we spent time together playing, singing, eating, going to activities together God formed a sweet bond between us. As I read through my old journal, from almost exactly 6 years ago tears still coming flooding to my eyes. God had ripped open my heart in a beautiful, excruciating, completely out of my hands way. The emotions were so real and so raw. I remember them still as clearly as if it were yesterday. 

I was overwhelmed by the poverty, by the brokenness, by the desperate need for love and affection, by growing up without parents. My heart broke for these children. My heart broke for Diego.

Saying goodbye to Diego at the end of that week, was one of the most painful things I have ever done. Even to this day, I don't know if I have ever wept such a heart-severing tears. 

I remember holding Diego as tears poured down our faces as we were saying goodbye. I remember telling him how much I loved him, that I would never forget him, that I would do whatever I could to come back. 

And I didn't forget him. For he forever changed my life. There was no going back. God had given me a love for him that I couldn't retract into a stone-wall protected castle around my heart. 

Would I ever see him again? I honestly didn't know. I did not have the money to go back and life circumstances and college prevented me from doing so. 

The love remained. But I could do nothing about it but trust that God cared and He had some plan and purpose in this all.

Throughout college I often thought of Diego. I would write and talk about him some, rarely ever without tears. In many ways he shaped what I studied in college, in hopes of going back to Latin America.

Years passed with no way to communicate with him. Until my Senior spring term in college when Mario, an older boy who had worked in San Pablo contacted me via Facebook. I hadn't talked with him since I visited NPH because he never had access to the internet. As we chatted via Facebook, I found out that he was going to be at NPH in about a week for Holy Week and would see Diego. He told me he would call me and connect me to Diego. It was a miracle. I couldn't believe that I was going to speak with Diego after not hearing from him for 4 years. God just blew my categories. 

On April 5th, 2012 I talked with Diego over the phone for the first time in 4 years. It was his 15th birthday. It was surreal. He said he remembered me. 

Just before this God had opened a door to go back to Honduras that coming summer for a missionary training internship, so I got to tell him that I would be able to visit him at NPH in a few months. I couldn't believe this was happening.

That summer, the leader of the internship so lovingly drove me and the other interns to visit NPH, which was a few hours away. It was so surreal driving into NPH, the memories flooding back. And the anticipation of seeing Diego. Would he really remember me? Did he still care about me? He would be a teenager now. Would I look like a total blubbering fool? Would my love for him scare him away? 

Then I saw him. Same smile. Same precious smile. But now he towered over me, he had grown into a young man. We found another boy, Erick, that had been in San Pablo, who remembered me. For a couple hours they gave me a tour of the orphanage and we talked and joked, laughed and smiled. He called me madrina, godmother (what they call their sponsors). I wasn't officially his sponsor, I hadn't had the money for that. Madrina. But nothing sounded truer of how I felt about him. He was a bit shy around me, though seemed so proud to introduce me to his friends. I only got to be with him for a couple hours, but they meant so much to me. 

I left. Again. Flashbacks of our first goodbye. He didn't cry this time or show emotion, he's a teenage boy and I'm someone he hadn't seen in years. But I know he felt loved and was glad that I had come, I could see it in his smile, in his eyes.

I cried all the way back. Later that evening staring up into the Honduran sky, I felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God's love for me. He had brought me back to see this boy who had changed my life. Because He loves me. Because He cares about my heart. Because He delights in me. Because He knows me, He knows my deepest love and deepest pain and deepest longings. And He holds them faithfully in His hands.

When I said goodbye to Diego that first time, I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. But God knew. He knew as I let my heart love this little boy. He knew as I wept saying goodbye. He looked down from heaven as I held Diego, tears running down our faces that He would bring us back together. By His grace, by His working, in His timing. Thank you Father. 

Again the future was unclear. But God again brought me back to Honduras about 8 months later to volunteer at Orphanage Emmanuel. Orphanage Emmanuel was an easy hour bus ride from NPH, where Diego was. This was again, so sweet of the Lord to allow me to be close enough to visit him. Over the course of 8 months at Emmanuel I got to visit Diego many times and reconnect with another boy Dennis who had been in San Pablo. At times it was hard. He was now a 16 year old, and what was I to him? How do I rebuild this friendship? He was always glad to see me when I came, I loved his big embrace and smile upon seeing me. He's a boy so when we played games, we had a blast. Though it was difficult to find things he wanted to talk about, and he didn't know what he really believed about God and didn't have words to discuss it. 

Rebuilding trust, showing him love, giving him grace, being patient, loving him where he was at, not demanding or needing something from him. It was hard at times. I wanted him to verbally tell me that I meant something to him, but I didn't get that and sometimes didn't get it with nonverbals much either. Sometimes I doubted, got discouraged, didn't know if what I was doing was doing any good, if he really wanted me around or needed me at all. But I loved him. And I knew God had brought us back together. By faith, I chose to officially become his sponsor. As a step of faithfulness to God, I chose to commit to this boy though I didn't know if I could always afford it and I wasn't being over-flowed with affirmation from Diego. 

The last time I saw Diego, was the most special since him being a teenager. It was his graduation from 9th grade. He was clearly excited that I was there. He was much more talkative, and more open to me about his struggles. We got to spend more time together, and he sought me out. He even consented to dancing with me for one song at the graduation dance. :) It was so special to see him graduate. I was so proud of him. I couldn't believe that God had got me to this place, seeing him graduate. So kind of the Lord. 

The next day, the day of my flight back to the states, he asked a couple of times, "You'll always keep coming back to visit right?" I said that I would come as soon as I could and God allowed. As I said goodbye to him, I hugged him and told him that I loved him as I always did when I left my visits. This time, he hugged me a bit longer and said Igual. Same, me too. That one simple word. An unexpected gift. And it filled my heart. 

Diego, te quiero mi ahijado y por siempre te amaré. Oro con toda mi corazón que conozcas el amor de Dios cual es infinitamente más grande que el mío. Oro que seas salvado, sanado, liberado y llenado de gozo del Señor en este nuevo año de edad. Feliz cumpleaños, aunque estás tan lejos de mi siempre estás y estarás en mi corazón.

You Hold Me Now

Sang the song "You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong United tonight at a CRU meeting. The lyrics of this song break me every time. The chorus is such a beautiful picture of heaven, filled with such longing for that day when there will be no more pain. I think of the pain in my life, my wounds that will be healed, my sin that will forever be gone, my heart that will be whole, redeemed and perfectly cherished by my beloved Jesus.

And I think of the country of Honduras, and my precious children that live there. My heart aches so deeply for them to be healed, to be free, to have all their tears wiped away by Jesus. Oh how I long for the day. The abandoned will be truly loved. The abused and threatened will be safe. Their wounds will be completely redeemed. The heartbroken will know joy. The fearful will know peace and security. The orphan will have a family, will have a Father. For all eternity. They will be held. I will be held. We will no longer be separated. No more goodbyes. No more death. We will be with Jesus. For all eternity.

Deeply thankful that one of my dearest friends was there tonight who has volunteered with me at Orphanage Emmanuel and loves Honduras and whose heart breaks for the children of Honduras. So grateful to cry together, to let ourselves love, to ache, to long, to break, to continue to put our hearts in the hands of the Father, to hope in Him, to rejoice through our tears that He loves us and He longs far deeper than we can ever imagine for the hearts and souls and redemption of these children.

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now, 

You hold me now

                                       http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LX12vnPX60s

A heavy heart...a prayer to the Father for mercy

After reading a sobering blog post yesterday commemorating a street boy who was killed a year ago in Honduras, my heart felt so heavy. I felt so broken for these boys that crime, drugs and gangs can seem like the only option, that they don't have families that love them, that they don't have hope. What also stood out in this post is that pride can keep them from seeking help, drives revenge that many desire, and ultimately keeps them from knowing the God who longs so deeply that they come into His arms and know His love, freedom and hope.

Immediately the faces of the boys I've gotten to know and love in Honduras played through my mind. I thought of the boys and the girl in these pictures who have left the orphanage and are now facing reality. Some have gotten jobs and for that I am grateful. Others are looking. Others I haven't heard from and I don't know. But my greatest prayer is not that they find a job, my greatest prayer which is also my greatest prayer for myself is that we would be humbled of our pride and simply come to the Father.

Oh dear Father, I pray with many tears for the souls of the youth of Honduras. Lord, for your name's sake, for your glory, I plead that you would be merciful to them. In your great compassion, awake their hearts, open their eyes, grant them repentance and saving faith that they might know you Lord. That they might know your love, your freedom, your hope in this life and that someday they might spend all eternity with you where there will be no more tears and no more pain. Lord, humble me that I might be a vessel not for my own glory but of your love to the least of these for the praise of your glorious name. In the precious and powerful name of Jesus, Amen.

A sweet surprise

Today I received one of the sweetest letters I've ever received...it was from one of my students in Honduras. He sent it through a volunteer who was making a trip to the US. His name is E, he was one of my 10th grade students. He's a very kind kid who is absolutely in love with science. He's very intelligent, studious and dreams of being some kind of pilot, well particularly he would love to be a part of the US Air Force. He would always ask me if I knew about certain Air Force stations or types of planes or different types of nanotechnology and the majority of the time I had very little idea what he was talking about, or had never heard of the place. But I tried to listen and encourage him as much as I could, for I have always loved learning and loved Biology in high school, so I know what it is like to be captivated by a subject and be intrigued by science. Because of his love of science and studying it often hindered him in making friends. He spent most recesses reading a science book by himself or walking alone. In several of his English projects or small assignments he was quite open with me about his relational struggles and aware of how his serious, studious personality hindered him. It was sad to read what he wrote about having few friends, feeling like he was always failing in friendships and not always knowing why and how he has accustomed himself to being alone. But everyone needs love...and what continually humbles me is how just a little love to those who receive so little can mean more and do more than we imagine. I was no heroine, or mother Teresa in loving E. I did not go out of my way to find great ways of loving him. But simple words of encouragement, printing off pictures of airplanes for him and hugging him though he didn't really know how to give a hug meant more to him than I ever thought. When I read his letter to me today, I couldn't hold back the tears from pouring down. He unashamedly expressed how Christ's love through me had impacted his life. I feel so humbled that God chose to use me to impact this boy's life. And feel so broken that the little love that I gave him was more than he had ever received before. Oh how beautiful that God calls us to love the least of these for it truly is unto Him.

Here are a few of E's words (translated):

"Thank you for encouraging me in what I want to become. I certainly see God through you, and that makes me see that I need Him. I consider you my friend...although you may not have noted it you are a person that I love very much...thank you for all that you did here at Emmanuel: being a teacher, caring for little girls, sharing the word of God, being our friend and our support...honestly you are the only person with whom I have experienced true affection. The pictures of the airplanes encourage me more and more everyday that I see them to become what I long to be. Thank you for encouraging me in this way."

He wrote a lot more but I won't share it all...his words humble me tremendously. They make me sad that the little I gave him was so much to him. But they make me grateful that I serve a God who loves through us and impacts lives by His love that we can never foresee and make me feel so blessed that God loves to bless my heart with words of love and encouragement.

I hope that this encourages you to love those who are not loved and to believe that God works deeply in the hearts of those whom He touches through our small and feeble efforts.

Please also pray for E, he has one year left in high school at Emmanuel. Pray that God provides a way for him to pursue his dreams.

the last 8 months...a bit of a summary

             So it's been way too long since I've posted on my blog. Sorry for that! Life got so full at the end of my time at Orphanage Emmanuel and my internet was unpredictable and slow. But now that I have been back for about two weeks here is a summary of my time in Honduras...(hopefully I will be posting soon about my future plans)...

             Well the last 8 months have been full of blessings and trials. There were many things that were very hard about it but God remained faithful to me, and more than that chose to bless me by opening countless doors for me to live out my passions and minister to the children at Emmanuel. Thank you so much for your prayers, support and encouragement that enabled me to do what God called me to do at Emmanuel this past year. Without a doubt your prayers were what sustained me and moved God’s hand to work in the lives of the children there.

While at Emmanuel, God opened doors for me to try many different things. The first three weeks I worked in the clinic, taking care of an 11-year-old boy who had casts on both feet, and had other disorders and disabilities. Through this God showed me for one that I’m not called to be a nurse, but He taught me a lot about patience and doing things out of my comfort zone. Near the end of the three weeks, J accepted Christ into his heart, which was such a sweet moment.

After the clinic, I worked in the Elementary school. I created reading tests and tested the 4^th, 5^th and 6^th graders and later became the reading teacher of about 100 students. During these next 3 months I was also assigned to work with the two medium girls houses (between 8-13 yrs old, total around 80 girls). I worked with them in the morning and during meal times. For about 3 months I was in charge of supervising the cleaning up of their dining hall after every meal with teenagers who helped in the houses. I honestly really disliked this job. I liked being able to spend time with a smaller group of girls but getting a group of 10 teenage girls to clean fast, well and without complaining is like asking an elephant to fly. Though I thought I had learned about patience with J, God obviously had a lot more work to do in me. He also wanted to teach me about submission, perseverance and serving in ways that I don’t always like.

            So the first four months were pretty hard, I was working 11-hour days with little break during the day and only Sundays free. I didn’t have much emotional reserve and easily felt burnt out so deeply connecting with the kids was hard because of my busy schedule and the shear quantity of kids I was assigned to care for. I also wasn’t being poured into spiritually or emotionally very much. So I came back to the States in July to renew my VISA somewhat discouraged and disillusioned.

            But the next four months ended up being totally different. Upon returning to Emmanuel in July, I substitute taught English in the high school while my friend who was the English teacher was in Costa Rica for 3 weeks. I was quite nervous about it, but I ended up completely loving teaching high school English and was able to stay on as the English teacher for the rest of my time at Emmanuel. Although it was definitely very challenging, my students always made me laugh and I came to love each one of them. God really confirmed to me that my passion is working with youth. Through teaching I was able to build relationships of trust, truth, grace and love with my students. I had so many opportunities to share the gospel with them and to seek to live it out to them. God opened so many doors to encourage them, care for them individually and help them think about their dreams, hopes and future.

Through out my time at Emmanuel I was able to do small group Bible studies with the older girls that helped in the medium girls houses and to do one-on-one discipleship with many of them. I loved being able to study the Bible together and I especially loved being able to come alongside of them in whatever moment and listen to them share about their struggles, pour out their hearts and ask profound questions.

One of the girls that I became closest to is named K. She is 18 years old and just graduated 7^th grade. She helps in the medium girls house. We became close pretty quickly. She is a strong girl with a big personality that can swing all over the place. She can come across as tough at times, at other times hyper and very boisterous, at other times reserved and shy. We met about once a week for about 5 or 6 months. Soon on she began to share with me about her past, a past that has remained largely untold and secret until we started meeting. It was heartbreaking and horrifying to hear what she had to tell me. She endured as a child more abuse and neglect than I could hardly imagine. We talked about her past, her present, about everything. Most of the time I just listened. Although I wish I could say that she came to the point of forgiving those who have abused her and has found true freedom in Christ, I know that her learning to trust someone, to express her hurt, know that she is loved no matter what and be continually pointed to Christ was a truly significant step in her journey towards healing and forgiveness. I believe that if God sent me to Emmanuel for just one person it was for K. She remains so dear to my heart and I ask that you keep her in your prayers. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for her throughout the last several months, I know that God has been answering your prayers.  

In the last four months, I also had the opportunity to speak several times at a youth discipleship meeting. I spoke on prayer, God’s love through studying Hosea, and on forgiveness. It was exciting for me to share on topics that are so essential to the Christian walk and to share in a way that was truly centered on the gospel. For the medium girls I was able to lead a morning devotional every other week. To change things up for them, I had them act out Bible stories using the Bible passage or the Jesus Story Bible. The girls loved acting and always begged to be chosen to participate. Twice I was able to choreograph dramas for church, a dance to Kari Jobe’s “You Are For Me” and a drama to D.C. Reto’s “The Prostitute.”

           Lastly, a very special thing for me while I was in Honduras was that Emmanuel was an easy hour bus ride away from the first orphanage I ever visited 5 ½ years ago NPH where my godson, the boy I sponsor, DG and two other “unofficial” godsons, DE and E, live. Throughout this past year I was able to visit them many times and rebuild a relationship with them. It was so clear to me that God gave me this gift out of his pure love that delights to affirm and cherish my heart. It was so special to be able to see them all graduate 9^th grade, they have grown up so much. 

            God taught me so much during the last 8 months from His love and faithfulness to growing me in patience and trust to showing me more about my passions and what He has created me for, to simply loving on me through hundreds of Honduran children. Thank you for your support and prayers that made the last 8 months possible. Thank you for being a part of the work that God has done in and through me. I can’t express enough how much it has meant to me.